M'kay, ladies! Here's a "where's waldo" pic for ya. See if you can spot yourself, and do you remember where we were? Ging, this is the first time I ever met you! How long ago was this taken? I can't remember, for some reason......hmmmmmm. LOL 

A-Z Survey

I copied this from Ginger who copied it from Rebecca. It the alphabet survey. It's cool, so sue me. LOL

Accent - Refined redneck
Bra size - Nunya
Chore I hate - Paying bills, ugh.
Dad's name - Robert Coleman Burt, Sr., Bobby, Robert C, Captain Grit, Poppa
Essential make-up - BROW PENCIL, must have brows...
Favorite perfume - Rush by Gucci
Gold or Silver - Silver
Hometown - Hamdrag, lol
Interesting fact - I have no birth mark.
Job title - DJ, Sales Executive, Producer, Writer...
Kids - None....yet.
Living arrangements - I live at work, uh....just kidding! 2 br. trailer on "the pond"
Mom's Birthplace - Crossett
Number of apples eaten in last week - Zero.
Overnight hospital stays - When I was 5 (kidneys), when I was 31, (gallbladder out)
Phobia - cockroaches, eeewwww.
Question you ask yourself a lot - Why are you eating, again?
Religious affiliation - Christian.
Siblings - Tammy, Bob, Mitch (passed away 1988)
Time I wake up - 'Round 6:20
Unnatural hair color - Red, and now blonde
Vegetable I refuse to eat - BEETS....tastes like dirt.
Worst habit - Smoking...
X-rays - Teeth, Tummy
Yummy food I make - Chicken and homemade dumplings...mmmmm!
Zodiac sign - Sagittarious.

No Title

I am posting this today in honor of someone I miss dearly. No doubt the holiday this past weekend has put me thinking of ones whom I miss, family and friends. But none more than my beloved Mother. God please allow me to be even half the example she was...I miss you Momma.


The sun pales in comparison to her inner light,
she is luminous, and shadows flee from her glory.

Her arms encompass all that come near,
Embracing with an endless strength not born of man.

The ones who come to her are met with graciousness,
Never turned away, but bathed in acceptance.

So blessed are those who called her wife, daughter, mother, friend,
For there is no other like her in all of creation.

She is now transformed beyond imagination,
Radiating in the presence of eternity.

I can still feel her, beside me, speaking softly,
Her hands resting on mine, I'm not far away she says.

What can we do but beg for strength?
For no one should have to bear the pain...

To exist without my heart and soul,
I will never cease to marvel at my mother.

--P.B., March 28, 2005

This is from Easter 1973. I had the coveted basket with a plastic Disney "Pluto" replica emblazoned on the side (R). However, my cousin Melanie decided she would be a better steward of said basket, and proceeded to relieve me of it (L). To say the least, the egg hunt got off with a bang. Note: This picture was taken at (of course) Mamaw's house, whom I mentioned in the post below. HAPPY EASTER! 

Family Egg-stravaganza

I would be sadly remiss if I didn't recall some happy memories of past Easter Sundays. In the south, we believe in family get-togethers...in a BIIIIIG way. Holidays were particularly exciting, especially for all 12 of us cousins on my Mom's side of the fam damily.
Easter celebrations were ALWAYS held at my grandparents' house, Walcie and Mable. Now Papaw, along with several other willing adults, would hide the eggs as we were safely esconced in the playroom. All doors and windows had to be shut, with absolutely NO PEEKING! With 12 cousins, sporting a dozen eggs each, it took a while for papaw and his crew to tuck away all the brightly colored treasures. And, in fine Southern fashion, there was aaaaalways a queen's nest. This is a place where several eggs are hidden with a prize of some sort included in the cache. The queen's nest was coveted by ALL, especially mamaw's big 'ole catahoula dog, Tiger. He somehow managed to find and eat all the eggs we missed.
Waiting in the playroom was torture, and it was unsafe to leave so many kids in such a small space unattended. So, somewhere through the years, mamaw started HUNTING the eggs with us kids, instead of HIDING said eggs with the adults. She would hang around in the playroom and make sure no one escaped or tried peeked out the pull-down plastic blinds.
One year, mamaw couldn't find her basket to collect eggs in. We all looked, but no basket. So what did she do? She improvised. When they finally came and told us to come outside, we did...single-file, onto the sidewalk. We would stand there and receive instructions on the perimeter of the hunting area, yadda-yadda. Only this time, when mamaw came down the steps, she was carrying a very different type of "Easter basket". In her right hand, she held the handle of a bright and shiny white porcelain slop jar. That's right....A SLOP JAR. It was spotlessly clean, and she had placed a kitchen towel in the bottom to stop the eggs from rooooolling around. Now if your not from the south, or if your not "country", you may not know what a slop jar is. It is a receptacle used for bathroom trips in the old days. Mamaw didn't miss a beat, and we had the laugh of our lives at her Easter basket.
I will never forget those days, being so young and carefree. It was simply magical. And the fun and laughter lives on in my memories, and in mamaw's memories, and in old photographs, and in her old house, and in that old slop jar, too. I love you mamaw, I love you family, I love you happy memories.

Been reminiscing as the holiday weekend approaches...thinking back to the days when me (L) and my cousin Janet (R) used to run loose in the country. Ahhhhhh, those were the days. Love you Janet, and miss you soooo much! 

The Great Escape with B

Me and my friend B went shopping last night for the first time in a loooooong time. Now you have to understand, I don't shop on a regular basis, but it was time. I usually go bezerk and try to buy everything in Pier One, so we didn't go there.***sigh***
We DID, however, stop at the beloved Harold's on the way down. Now, I'm not much of a drinker, but I just had to enjoy a super-large, ice-cold Miller High Life and drink it out of the bottle in a paper bag. LOL...B opted for water.
I must be getting age-d. Yes, age-d (two syllables). Usually, I would never miss out on the opportunity to get the largest possible mixed drink they make, and slur my way through McRae's clinique counter. But not anymore. I'm getting the feeling I'm getting boring again.
After B's makeover at the clinique counter, we strolled through the mall and made a u-ee into V's secret. Toooooo many pretty things....toooo many pretty colors. It looked like Easter up in there! Lilac and pink tones and lace, oh my. There's an idea for ya, Easter Bunny! Stuff those plastic eggs with brightly colored thongs! heehee
Then on to the GAP. And guess who I saw? FAIRYGIRL and her precious husband! Fairygirl has a new haircut and looks faaaaabulous. Her mother-in-law tried desperately to teach me good English in the fourth grade at Noble elementary. Love to ya, Mrs. H! I caved in and bought a dark khaki skirt with kick pleat in front (sweeeeet) and a lighter khaki safari jacket that I could not resist.
No trip to the mall would be complete without a visit to JC Penney. Now you have to understand...they had a bathroom upstairs, and by now, the Miller High Life has made it to my kidneys, and is working it's way down the the 'ole bladder. Something about drinking beer just makes you have to pee much worse. What up wit dat? So riiiiiide the escalator up, then riiiiide it down. I must mention, the Easter Bunny himself was sitting outside the entryway to JCP's. His ears were downcast, and he looked a little worn. I should have said hi, and cheered him up. Poor Bunny, having to work for a living.
Then B said we could not leave town without going to Tar-jay...that's french for Target. I have never, ever been inside a Target in my life until last night. And I must say, it was everything I expected, and a piece of cake. My Boo wanted to treat us to supper, so he sent some funding with us. Guess what we ate? Burger King drive-thru. Gad....we are such cheap skates, LMAO. Nevermind....I had a blast and got out of town for a minute. B...how are your eyes this a.m.? Boo got back half his funding. That may be the first time in the history of the world that a man got a refund when he gave his girl spending money. Hmmmmmmm.....
Love you, B! Had a great time last night shopping, girl.

Cry Baby

Ever wake up and promptly start squalling? I'm okay, y'all....really. And this isn't a sympathy plea. I'm just wondering...am I the only one who does this? Some days I just wake up feeling overwhelmed, and the easiest outlet is to cry. Man, what a wimp! LOL
I think it's something I've started doing as I have gotten more 'mature', and by that I mean older. I was just trying to avoid saying 'older'.****sigh****
I used to have a really bad temper, and maybe this reaction to stress is just the antithesis of that. Maybe it's payback...maybe I will cry for every time I lost my temper earlier in life.
I hate to cry...it makes my nose run and turn red, my eyes look like red road maps and almost swell shut. But it ALWAYS, inevitably, lets off some stress and I feel BETTER. Better???? Yes, better. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Now I can spend the day walking in the sunshine, forget about crying and enjoy my day.

Stormy Monday Blues

Or maybe stormy weekend. Must be something in the water, the moon's on the increase the planets are misaligned or something is dreadfully amiss, because EVERYONE I know is in some type of conflict right now. Couples, best friends, hell...even family! So what's up? Is there a lot of animosity where you are? People just downright grouchy? Got a bee in your bonnet? Want to smack somebody's bitch up? TELL ME ABOUT IT, MAN. No really. Vent right here on comments.
And ****ahem*****, do you believe that our attitudes and moods are directly affected by weather changes, solar and lunar activity, or seasons? I'm not a crackpot, nor am I a fortune teller. But if the moon affects the tides, how much does it affect us humans? Just curious, cause the moon is on the increase, and I want to choke someone.
This goes back to my raising in the South, and hearing endless renditions of "old wive's tales" about the moon, the sun, the cows, and just about everything else affecting what's gonna happen today. And, woefully, I admit that I am a sucker for a brand new farmer's almanac. So spill it, spit it, type it. Y'all come now, ya hear?

Here's me and my boo last Saturday...ain't he cute????heehee 

Tips for Sunless Tanning

I got a wonderfully surprising call from my cousin in Texarkana this morning! So she has prompted me to give some tips to those of us who are trying to go sunless with our tanning efforts. I am hard to tan, so I have used self-tanners for years. I even remember "back in the day" when QT first came out...ooohhhh the streaking, ooooohhh the orange hued skin! No more, ladies! There are tons of products out there that will work great on anybody.

STEP 1: Buy a GOOD QUALITY self tanner suited to your skin type. They even come in different shades now, so if you are really fair skinned like me, DO NOT buy the ones that say DARK. Start out with a light color to build a base, then after a couple of applications, move up to a darker color. I love Neutrogena spray because it is not a lotion, and it sprays upside down to reach hard places. Some of our local retailer carry good brands, but shy away from cheapy-delux. Some people use gloves, but I don't. It's smoother if you use your bare hands, and you can wash them afterward.
STEP 2: Prepare your skin for the process. This means allowing time for a good bath/shower and exfoliation. When you bathe, use an exfoliator (buffer gloves, bath scrub, etc.) all over your body. But concentrate on these areas especially; elbows, hands, knees, tops of feet, toes, ankles and heels. These areas are almost always dry, and tend to "soak up" too much tanner. Scrub 'em 'till they tingle...afterward apply an all-over body lotion to give you a smooth base to work with.
STEP 3: Get some old, and very loose lounging clothes and an old towel ready. Starting with your legs, apply tanner one small section at a time, i.e. left lower leg, right lower leg. Don't use too much tanner, or you will be blotchy. When you get to those aforementioned dry areas, use tanner sparingly. Use long strokes and move quickly over your whole body.
You may have to solicit the help of a really good friend to apply tanner to your back. I still haven't figured out a good way to do that alone.
STEP 4: Using the old towel or an old wash cloth that has been moinstened, gently go over those dry places we talked about, rubbing lightly to remove excess tanner. Next, wash your hands THOROUGHLY using soap, hot water, and a scrubber. Don't forget the underside of your wrist, your palm and between fingers. Then using a cosmetic sponge, re-apply a small amount of tanner to the backs of your hands. Don't overdo it, or your hands will be too dark.
STEP 5: Don your loose clothing, lay the old towel on the couch, chair or bed and relax. Give your tanner plenty of time to soak in and dry before you get dressed...I'd say 1-2 hours. Before I dress, I apply moisturizer one more time. This helps the tan develop evenly.

THAT'S IT! It soundS very involved, but I just try to make it into a pampering session for myself. Remember all the skin damage you are avoiding, and hours baking in the sun! Let me know what you think, and post any hints you have on comments. HAPPY TANNING!

Idiometer

Someone should invent a device that warns you when someone is an idiot. It should flash and beep and scream whenever an idiot is within 10 feet of it. It should have a mounting bracket so you could attach it to your car, 4-wheeler, shopping cart, hover-round, or Harley-Davidson. It should also spit out a print-out so you can hand it to the idiot and tell them what they are.
Idiots should be banned in all public places, especially in retail, fast-food and convenience stores. I know we all have acted like idiots ourselves, but most of us don't make our living being an idiot. Here's my top 10 list of all-time idiots. What's yours? (I'll count back ala David Letterman)

10. Scott Peterson
9. Madeline Murray O'Hare (now deceased)
8. Anna-Nicole Smith
7. Bob Sagget
6. Osama Bin Laden
5. Daffy Duck
4. Michael Jackson
3. Hillary Clinton
2. Adolph Hitler

And my number one idiot of all time is.................

1. Whomever invented reality shows. I really, reallly hate reality shows.

Well, tell me your top 10. Go ahead, spit it.

Don't Play the Hater

In life there must always be a little rain, or so they say. But I don't have much patience with folks who set out to create an artificial rain storm.
Yeah, I'm talking about haters again. Ooooo, weeeeee. Y'all would be so proud of me and how I have developed a real control over my temper in the past few years. Otherwise, I would have gotten into a bonafide scrap recently and I'm not in the mood to call someone and ask them to bail me out of jail.
Y'all know the drama I have been through in the last couple of weeks...nursing boyfriend back to health, nursing self back to health (flu). I have managed to keep my sanity, and learn a few things along the way. Like, what doesn't kill you really does make you stronger, and tough times remind us of our blessings.
So here I am, after the storm, all happy and thankful and smiling. I got my joy back.
And theeeeeen...all these friggin' haters come out of the woodwork. So I have decided to compile a checklist for all haters who plan to hate on me, or my job, or the place I work, or my family, or my boyfriend, etc.

HATER'S CHECKLIST

1. Get your facts straight. If you are gonna talk about someone, be sure to get all names, dates, places and events correst, otherwise you may provoke the wrong people to kick your ass.
2. Pick your time to spread hate carefully. Haters tend to get carried away, so take care not to hate at work, at church, or at Walmart. It could get your fired, excommunicated, or worse, banned from your favorite retailer.
3. Choose your support staff wisely. This is an oxymoron at best, because everyone knows all haters are below average in intelligence, and usually lacking severely in common sense. Haters must surround themselves with other haters in order to function in society, usually running in packs of 3 or more. However, hater couples are becoming more common. Be sure to ally yourself with haters who share the same targets of interest, i.e. bosses, business competitors, happy people, people who look better than you, people who make more money than you, etc. Otherwise the hater may backfire on you, and start hating on you instead.
4. Be consistent with your hating. No one likes a wishy-washy hater, so pick a few key points of interest and focus on them. Hate people with big SUV'S? Crash into one. Hate women who are happy and confident? Start rumors about them! Can't stand consistency? Don't show up for work for three days straight.
5. Prepare for the consequences. Hating takes a lot of time and energy, and it makes a lot of enemies, too. So be sure to have an emergency first aid kit available, a defibrolator, a shot of epi, a butt plug, and be sure you have your local emergency numbers programmed into your cell phone. If you are approached in public by a "hatee", you may be accosted without warning, so always be on your guard. (Note: the butt plug is to keep a "hatee's" foot from becoming lodged in your anus.)
6. Avoid all confrontation. Never hate in front of "hatee". The key to good hating practice is knowing when to display said hate. If the person you want to hate on is present, smile kindly at them and say nice things. When they leave, immediately approach your nearest fellow hater and spill your hate. Try to do this so that "hatee" can see you talking, but not actually hear you. This is most effective when used in conjunction with fake smiles, shifty eyes, and loud whispering.
And as a final note, here are a few tips to deal with an actual, dreaded CONFRONTATION.
1. Never ever run away. This will reveal your true spineless nature and discredit you.
2. Deny everything. Lie, lie, lie...."I didn't say that, it wasn't me, I never...."
3. Maintain eye contact. This is the most difficult part of a confrontation. It's much easier to do when "hatee" stands within 6 inches of your face.
4. Keep another hater in the wings just in case you get knocked unconscious.
5. Have a designated emergency exit.

I hope this has been helpful to haters everywhere, especially to the ones who are busy hating on me. I love y'all because you make me stronger! Wooohooo!

My first week back at work has made me feel a little bit like this...but which fish am I? Ha, I'll give you one guess. But it is the weekend, so I am saved!  

So fresh and so clean-clean

I have decided a black blog is way too goth for me, so I've opted for chocolatey-orange. It reminds me of the one piece of candly left in the box...the one that someone squished to see the inside, then left because they don't like citrus cream.
Would someone please tell me the quickest way to get my blog roller to work? I have tried before, but failed. And I'm so busy at work that I rarely have time to figure it out. I know y'all would visit more if you could easily link to other pages, so would the great and powerful blogger-friends unite and educate the dummy? Thanks. Will post pics soon. I promise.

A Tribute to Bodily Functions

I know this is cheesy. I know this is mercilessly crass. But dammit, it's funny. We have all been there at some point in time, so don't front. I don't know who the author is, but this is the best advice for public toilet use since the gender sign. Note...CROP DUSTING also works well in public places, especially Wal-Mart. Have fun! heehee...this post makes me think of Dale Streeter, who is the best armpit farter EVER. Love you, Dale.

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back inour cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as wetry to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For thosewho hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is notin your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it camefrom. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has beenexpelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check forother poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come backagain. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may becomesuspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poopin a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.If you release an escapee,do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing nextto the farter in theurinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It isuncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes bothparties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out like a machine gun. This isusually a side effect ofdiarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain inthe stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone theawkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. Thisreduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. Thiscan help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, then to the door after you have juststunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someonewalks in and busts you out. As with farts, it is best to pretend that thesmell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER (O.O.T.C.P.) A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often seean O.O.T.C.P. enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under theirarm. Always look around the office for the O.O.T.C.P. before entering thebathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goesOff without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts ofO.O.T.C.P.'s, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can leastexpect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments thatcan occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stalluntil the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortableeye contact.
WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This isalso an embarrassing incident.If you feel a Watermelon coming on while someone else is in the bathroom,create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. Also try laying a double strip of toilet paper over the water to prevent splash-back BEFORE you start.
CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you arein a stall. This can beused to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Veryeffective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is also used to alert potential Turd Burglars thatyou are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall isoccupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroomimmediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toiletwater. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough inconjunction with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.

This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. Please study this Survival Guide and implement them into you daily routine.

--Author Unknown, but has a wicked sense of humor