A Tribute to Bodily Functions

I know this is cheesy. I know this is mercilessly crass. But dammit, it's funny. We have all been there at some point in time, so don't front. I don't know who the author is, but this is the best advice for public toilet use since the gender sign. Note...CROP DUSTING also works well in public places, especially Wal-Mart. Have fun! heehee...this post makes me think of Dale Streeter, who is the best armpit farter EVER. Love you, Dale.

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back inour cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as wetry to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For thosewho hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is notin your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it camefrom. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has beenexpelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check forother poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come backagain. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may becomesuspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poopin a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.If you release an escapee,do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing nextto the farter in theurinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It isuncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes bothparties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out like a machine gun. This isusually a side effect ofdiarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain inthe stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone theawkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. Thisreduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. Thiscan help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, then to the door after you have juststunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someonewalks in and busts you out. As with farts, it is best to pretend that thesmell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER (O.O.T.C.P.) A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often seean O.O.T.C.P. enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under theirarm. Always look around the office for the O.O.T.C.P. before entering thebathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goesOff without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts ofO.O.T.C.P.'s, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can leastexpect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments thatcan occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stalluntil the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortableeye contact.
WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This isalso an embarrassing incident.If you feel a Watermelon coming on while someone else is in the bathroom,create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. Also try laying a double strip of toilet paper over the water to prevent splash-back BEFORE you start.
CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you arein a stall. This can beused to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Veryeffective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is also used to alert potential Turd Burglars thatyou are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall isoccupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroomimmediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toiletwater. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough inconjunction with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.

This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. Please study this Survival Guide and implement them into you daily routine.

--Author Unknown, but has a wicked sense of humor