Don't Play the Hater
In life there must always be a little rain, or so they say. But I don't have much patience with folks who set out to create an artificial rain storm.
Yeah, I'm talking about haters again. Ooooo, weeeeee. Y'all would be so proud of me and how I have developed a real control over my temper in the past few years. Otherwise, I would have gotten into a bonafide scrap recently and I'm not in the mood to call someone and ask them to bail me out of jail.
Y'all know the drama I have been through in the last couple of weeks...nursing boyfriend back to health, nursing self back to health (flu). I have managed to keep my sanity, and learn a few things along the way. Like, what doesn't kill you really does make you stronger, and tough times remind us of our blessings.
So here I am, after the storm, all happy and thankful and smiling. I got my joy back.
And theeeeeen...all these friggin' haters come out of the woodwork. So I have decided to compile a checklist for all haters who plan to hate on me, or my job, or the place I work, or my family, or my boyfriend, etc.
2. Pick your time to spread hate carefully. Haters tend to get carried away, so take care not to hate at work, at church, or at Walmart. It could get your fired, excommunicated, or worse, banned from your favorite retailer.
3. Choose your support staff wisely. This is an oxymoron at best, because everyone knows all haters are below average in intelligence, and usually lacking severely in common sense. Haters must surround themselves with other haters in order to function in society, usually running in packs of 3 or more. However, hater couples are becoming more common. Be sure to ally yourself with haters who share the same targets of interest, i.e. bosses, business competitors, happy people, people who look better than you, people who make more money than you, etc. Otherwise the hater may backfire on you, and start hating on you instead.
4. Be consistent with your hating. No one likes a wishy-washy hater, so pick a few key points of interest and focus on them. Hate people with big SUV'S? Crash into one. Hate women who are happy and confident? Start rumors about them! Can't stand consistency? Don't show up for work for three days straight.
5. Prepare for the consequences. Hating takes a lot of time and energy, and it makes a lot of enemies, too. So be sure to have an emergency first aid kit available, a defibrolator, a shot of epi, a butt plug, and be sure you have your local emergency numbers programmed into your cell phone. If you are approached in public by a "hatee", you may be accosted without warning, so always be on your guard. (Note: the butt plug is to keep a "hatee's" foot from becoming lodged in your anus.)
6. Avoid all confrontation. Never hate in front of "hatee". The key to good hating practice is knowing when to display said hate. If the person you want to hate on is present, smile kindly at them and say nice things. When they leave, immediately approach your nearest fellow hater and spill your hate. Try to do this so that "hatee" can see you talking, but not actually hear you. This is most effective when used in conjunction with fake smiles, shifty eyes, and loud whispering.
And as a final note, here are a few tips to deal with an actual, dreaded CONFRONTATION.
1. Never ever run away. This will reveal your true spineless nature and discredit you.
2. Deny everything. Lie, lie, lie...."I didn't say that, it wasn't me, I never...."
3. Maintain eye contact. This is the most difficult part of a confrontation. It's much easier to do when "hatee" stands within 6 inches of your face.
4. Keep another hater in the wings just in case you get knocked unconscious.
5. Have a designated emergency exit.
I hope this has been helpful to haters everywhere, especially to the ones who are busy hating on me. I love y'all because you make me stronger! Wooohooo!
Yeah, I'm talking about haters again. Ooooo, weeeeee. Y'all would be so proud of me and how I have developed a real control over my temper in the past few years. Otherwise, I would have gotten into a bonafide scrap recently and I'm not in the mood to call someone and ask them to bail me out of jail.
Y'all know the drama I have been through in the last couple of weeks...nursing boyfriend back to health, nursing self back to health (flu). I have managed to keep my sanity, and learn a few things along the way. Like, what doesn't kill you really does make you stronger, and tough times remind us of our blessings.
So here I am, after the storm, all happy and thankful and smiling. I got my joy back.
And theeeeeen...all these friggin' haters come out of the woodwork. So I have decided to compile a checklist for all haters who plan to hate on me, or my job, or the place I work, or my family, or my boyfriend, etc.
HATER'S CHECKLIST
1. Get your facts straight. If you are gonna talk about someone, be sure to get all names, dates, places and events correst, otherwise you may provoke the wrong people to kick your ass.2. Pick your time to spread hate carefully. Haters tend to get carried away, so take care not to hate at work, at church, or at Walmart. It could get your fired, excommunicated, or worse, banned from your favorite retailer.
3. Choose your support staff wisely. This is an oxymoron at best, because everyone knows all haters are below average in intelligence, and usually lacking severely in common sense. Haters must surround themselves with other haters in order to function in society, usually running in packs of 3 or more. However, hater couples are becoming more common. Be sure to ally yourself with haters who share the same targets of interest, i.e. bosses, business competitors, happy people, people who look better than you, people who make more money than you, etc. Otherwise the hater may backfire on you, and start hating on you instead.
4. Be consistent with your hating. No one likes a wishy-washy hater, so pick a few key points of interest and focus on them. Hate people with big SUV'S? Crash into one. Hate women who are happy and confident? Start rumors about them! Can't stand consistency? Don't show up for work for three days straight.
5. Prepare for the consequences. Hating takes a lot of time and energy, and it makes a lot of enemies, too. So be sure to have an emergency first aid kit available, a defibrolator, a shot of epi, a butt plug, and be sure you have your local emergency numbers programmed into your cell phone. If you are approached in public by a "hatee", you may be accosted without warning, so always be on your guard. (Note: the butt plug is to keep a "hatee's" foot from becoming lodged in your anus.)
6. Avoid all confrontation. Never hate in front of "hatee". The key to good hating practice is knowing when to display said hate. If the person you want to hate on is present, smile kindly at them and say nice things. When they leave, immediately approach your nearest fellow hater and spill your hate. Try to do this so that "hatee" can see you talking, but not actually hear you. This is most effective when used in conjunction with fake smiles, shifty eyes, and loud whispering.
And as a final note, here are a few tips to deal with an actual, dreaded CONFRONTATION.
1. Never ever run away. This will reveal your true spineless nature and discredit you.
2. Deny everything. Lie, lie, lie...."I didn't say that, it wasn't me, I never...."
3. Maintain eye contact. This is the most difficult part of a confrontation. It's much easier to do when "hatee" stands within 6 inches of your face.
4. Keep another hater in the wings just in case you get knocked unconscious.
5. Have a designated emergency exit.
I hope this has been helpful to haters everywhere, especially to the ones who are busy hating on me. I love y'all because you make me stronger! Wooohooo!
posted by Reality Chick at 8:19 AM
7 Comments:
Don't f*$k with a Burt. Enough said. I can so relate to you. What's even more sad is to have "friends" do you this way. Selfish, self-centered, childish and stupid ways never get you anywhere. Friendless, maybe.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
You go girl! Maybe some of those haters will see this and get their crap together!
Love ya!
LOL!! Love it--especially the butt plug HAHAHAHA
Yay Polly... you tell 'em!
:)
U GO GIRL! .....and just so you know, there are those of us in Crossett that love you too!
Luvin' the butt plug! TOOOOOO funny!
LMAO, Spoken like a true "Burt", needless to say...I agree with you sis. It's a shame so many people around us waste their time and our time with useless drama. Don't let me start ranting!!! What I'd really like to say, here in front of what is obviously other non-haters....I am extremely proud of you and what you've been through lately has definetely made you stronger and wiser. You already know my theory on these self-destructing "hater" people, "You can only turn the other cheek so many times, then it's time to turn your *ss to them"!!!! Keep up the good writing!! Much Love!!
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