Reality Chick, er...uh, I Mean Check.
This post is for ANYONE in need of some succint, factual information about the here and now. A friend forwarded this article to me, and I just had to share. So many of us are haunted by mistakes in the past, unrequited love, unfulifilled dreams...things that keep us from moving forward in life, and subsequently, reaching our full potential. This article helped me to realize that we only have today, so we should live as if it were our last chance. Are you in need of a reality check? Read on.
Reality Check: Do You Really Love Your Partner?
August 2, 2005
By Michele Hickford, Special for eDiets
How many good days, months, even years have you wasted holding on to "love"? I’ve done my share of it. And I know you have, because I read the emails. So why do we do it?
We do it because where love is concerned, particularly bad love, we have a very screwy sense of time and reality. Although we are LIVING in the here and now, we are LOVING either in the past or in the future.
First, let’s agree on your here and now: your reality. I’m not talking about the so-called reality we see on television but your own personal reality that you’re experiencing today, this minute.
Your reality right now is sitting and reading this. You’re doing it in a certain place, wearing certain clothes. At this moment in time, your health has a particular condition, your hair is one way or another, you’re at work or at home, and maybe drinking coffee. It’s night or day, rainy or clear. That’s your reality.
There’s another reality as well-–the one dealing with your relationship. This instant, this very instant, when you think of your partner/lover/spouse, what is your reality? Happy? Sad? Frustrated? Fulfilled? Disappointed? This is also your reality. Now. It is not the past. It is not the future. It is now.
So when you say you love your current partner/lover/spouse, exactly what moment in time are you talking about? Can you say you love that person for the way he or she is at this moment? For the way you are being treated at this moment in time? For the way she makes you feel at this instant?
At this time in your relationship, is your partner being honest and loving? Is he demonstrating by his words and actions that you are a priority, that he cares about you and wants to be with you, or work with you to make things better? No matter how you answer these questions, this is your reality.
If you answered “yes” to most of the above, you love your reality. It doesn’t matter what the past was, or what the future holds. You’re living and loving the same thing.
However, if you answered “no” a lot, it’s a different story. If you answered “no” to several questions, and you still tell me you love him, what exactly are you loving? I think it’s either one of two things: You’re either loving the past you once had, or the future you HOPE you will. But that’s a whole lot different from loving the PERSON right now.
You may love what happened in the past, and remember fondly what went on then. But you cannot live there now. It’s gone. Done. Over. No matter how great it was, it’s not what’s happening now. There is no point in holding on to love because of what once was. No matter how great it was (or seemed like it was), what matters now is only what IS. You cannot go back. You can only go forward.
But you can only go forward so far. I don’t know about you, but I’m not very good at foretelling the future. I can make some pretty good guesses about tomorrow, maybe as far as next week, but that’s about it. Okay, in a stretch, maybe even a month from now, but beyond that, forget it. Then I’m just making it up. I’m hoping.
If you keep holding on to love for someone because you’re hoping maybe, just maybe, the future may be a little different and everything will change and you’ll get what you want, I think you’re making a mistake.
If you’re hoping your lover may change, or say the magic words, or turn back into the person you first met, despite the fact that there is nothing in his current behavior or words to indicate he’s interested in doing any of that, exactly what do you think is going to occur to make it happen? A voodoo spell? A genie?
I’m not saying you should always ditch your relationship if it’s not what you want right this minute. People have moods and go through good and bad spells. But if the person you’re with is not committed to you here and now, not dedicated to working with you today and the next, he or she is not worthy of your love, no matter what happened in the past, or what you hope for in the future.
Reality Check: Do You Really Love Your Partner?
August 2, 2005
By Michele Hickford, Special for eDiets
How many good days, months, even years have you wasted holding on to "love"? I’ve done my share of it. And I know you have, because I read the emails. So why do we do it?
We do it because where love is concerned, particularly bad love, we have a very screwy sense of time and reality. Although we are LIVING in the here and now, we are LOVING either in the past or in the future.
First, let’s agree on your here and now: your reality. I’m not talking about the so-called reality we see on television but your own personal reality that you’re experiencing today, this minute.
Your reality right now is sitting and reading this. You’re doing it in a certain place, wearing certain clothes. At this moment in time, your health has a particular condition, your hair is one way or another, you’re at work or at home, and maybe drinking coffee. It’s night or day, rainy or clear. That’s your reality.
There’s another reality as well-–the one dealing with your relationship. This instant, this very instant, when you think of your partner/lover/spouse, what is your reality? Happy? Sad? Frustrated? Fulfilled? Disappointed? This is also your reality. Now. It is not the past. It is not the future. It is now.
So when you say you love your current partner/lover/spouse, exactly what moment in time are you talking about? Can you say you love that person for the way he or she is at this moment? For the way you are being treated at this moment in time? For the way she makes you feel at this instant?
At this time in your relationship, is your partner being honest and loving? Is he demonstrating by his words and actions that you are a priority, that he cares about you and wants to be with you, or work with you to make things better? No matter how you answer these questions, this is your reality.
If you answered “yes” to most of the above, you love your reality. It doesn’t matter what the past was, or what the future holds. You’re living and loving the same thing.
However, if you answered “no” a lot, it’s a different story. If you answered “no” to several questions, and you still tell me you love him, what exactly are you loving? I think it’s either one of two things: You’re either loving the past you once had, or the future you HOPE you will. But that’s a whole lot different from loving the PERSON right now.
You may love what happened in the past, and remember fondly what went on then. But you cannot live there now. It’s gone. Done. Over. No matter how great it was, it’s not what’s happening now. There is no point in holding on to love because of what once was. No matter how great it was (or seemed like it was), what matters now is only what IS. You cannot go back. You can only go forward.
But you can only go forward so far. I don’t know about you, but I’m not very good at foretelling the future. I can make some pretty good guesses about tomorrow, maybe as far as next week, but that’s about it. Okay, in a stretch, maybe even a month from now, but beyond that, forget it. Then I’m just making it up. I’m hoping.
If you keep holding on to love for someone because you’re hoping maybe, just maybe, the future may be a little different and everything will change and you’ll get what you want, I think you’re making a mistake.
If you’re hoping your lover may change, or say the magic words, or turn back into the person you first met, despite the fact that there is nothing in his current behavior or words to indicate he’s interested in doing any of that, exactly what do you think is going to occur to make it happen? A voodoo spell? A genie?
I’m not saying you should always ditch your relationship if it’s not what you want right this minute. People have moods and go through good and bad spells. But if the person you’re with is not committed to you here and now, not dedicated to working with you today and the next, he or she is not worthy of your love, no matter what happened in the past, or what you hope for in the future.
posted by Reality Chick at 7:10 AM
4 Comments:
So, so true!!! Hope is a glorious thing until we start basing it on our own unreality instead of the reality that actually exists in this moment and time. It's hard to let go of something that turns sour that was once pretty good--it brings in the question of loyalty; which leads to guilt; which leads to continuing the cycle of unhappiness just for the sake of hope--a hope that isn't even real.
this is a great article...one i wish i had read 3 years ago when i couldn't get over this terrible jerk i dated. yeah, maybe they were nice to you at THE BEGINNING, but if that changes, you gotta let it go...i kept forcing myself to remember the past when it wasn't the present.
so glad i can answer "yes" now! i'm loving in the present! :)
Wow, that is definitely a great article. So true and so hard to realize that we act do that. Hope for someone to go back to the way they were or hope in the future things will change. I guess, the RIGHT NOW, is what is most important.
Gaye - It IS a vicious cycle...one negative thing always leads to another, then there you are, miserable, wondering just how the hell you got there.
Anisa - I did the same thing, lived for feelings that once existed, then realized they were not being reciprocated. That is tough to deal with. *sigh*
Jen - Oh, lawd honey. I could write a book on past regrets, but instead, I have chosen to put them where they belong...IN THE PAST. You can do it too, baby :)
Ruben - You are the luckiest guy in the world to have someone like Meg. I'm sure there were a million doubts and fears running thru your mind at that time, and I'm so glad you had someone like her to lean on. Hope you are feeling okay today.
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