Letter to Momma
Can anyone tell me if I will ever stop missing my mother? This July 8th will be three years since she left this earth for a better place, and I swear by all things holy that I miss her worse today than then. So much so, that I couldn't bring myself to spend time with any of my family yesterday for 'Mother's Day'. I could neither bear the thought of seeing anyone that reminds me of her, nor could I visit her grave. I honestly can't tell if what I'm feeling resembles sadness, or if it' some odd mix of anger/resentment because her time was, in my opinion, too soon. She was 64. Today, I feel 64.
Oh, God, how I wish she were here! That is the most selfish thing in the world for me to say, but I want my momma. In my heart, I'm 8 years old, having a bad day, and I've fallen and skinned my knee...and no one but my mother will do. She was the most benevolent, kind and loving person I ever have known. The shame of it is that I didn't know this until after I was grown. I didn't give her the full measure of respect she deserved until I was in my twenties, but I know she knew how much I loved her.
She was so gifted with so much knowledge, and she shared it freely. I never, ever doubted that my mother would continue love me no matter how badly I disappointed her, or when I just plain messed up. There is nothing on earth, and possibly in heaven, to compare to a mother's love. And now, I don't enjoy that love any more. So, for the sake of my sanity, I will write my mother a letter. I'll pretend she is on some glorious trip, and just gone for a while.
My dearest momma,
Hey there, long time since we last visited, so I just wanted to catch up with you. I have been busy, as usual, with work. If I had my choice, I would come get you, and we would sit on buckets and fish in the pond like we have done so many times. Remember when I dropped my cell phone in the water? LOL...thank goodness you had that dip net.
Your flowers are blooming all over the yard. Irises everywhere, even the ones at the corner of the old chicken yard. And roses! Your rose bushes are coming on like a new rooster in a hen house. Haven't checked the ones that came from Mrs. Lonia May's, but I bet they'll bloom soon. Daddy burned up most all of his tomatoes...he did a "Neal" and got overzealous with the fertilizer...heehee. But the ones in the the raised "tire" beds are looking good. I think he has staked them already. Maybe a few pepper plants will survive the lethal dose of triple 13.
Mom, I'm so tired, and there's no end in sight. How did you manage to keep a household intact, care for your husband, and raise 4 kids? I am in awe of you...at my age, you were a mom 4 times over with a 3 year old in the mix! If you know of any elixer or remedy besides Geritol that will help, please let me know.
Momma, I miss you. I feel like you have been gone forever, even though it has been just a short while. I sure do miss your phone calls and visits on the three wheeler. I miss our early morning coffee and breakfasts on Saturdays...I miss your homemade biscuits. I still eat my biscuits with coffee in a cup, just like you did...there's no taste that reminds me of you more. I miss your hugs and kisses...I miss the way you smell. I miss how you could make all my bad thoughts go away with just one kind word and a smile. I want you to know how much I needed you in my life, and still do. I want you to know how much living without you has made me appreciate you, and just how much your unwavering devotion has come to mean to me. I just needed to say these things to you, because you deserve to hear them, and I need to say them.
Momma, I love you. I will continue to miss you every day, sometimes every moment. I want to thank you for giving me a chance to become a person of faith, for it is my faith that enables me to go on without you. I have the assurance that we will ,indeed, meet again one day, and I am thankful. I wish you were here so we could talk face to face...there are so many things I want to tell you, to ask you about. But I will have to wait.
Thank you, mother, for being a bastion of consistent love...for showing me that nothing could ever separate me from you. Thank you for having faith in me when no one else did. Thank you for everything. As I continue to live each day without you, I will endeavor to be the daughter you deserve.
I love you,
Pollyanna
p.s. are there biscuits in heaven? just wondering...
Oh, God, how I wish she were here! That is the most selfish thing in the world for me to say, but I want my momma. In my heart, I'm 8 years old, having a bad day, and I've fallen and skinned my knee...and no one but my mother will do. She was the most benevolent, kind and loving person I ever have known. The shame of it is that I didn't know this until after I was grown. I didn't give her the full measure of respect she deserved until I was in my twenties, but I know she knew how much I loved her.
She was so gifted with so much knowledge, and she shared it freely. I never, ever doubted that my mother would continue love me no matter how badly I disappointed her, or when I just plain messed up. There is nothing on earth, and possibly in heaven, to compare to a mother's love. And now, I don't enjoy that love any more. So, for the sake of my sanity, I will write my mother a letter. I'll pretend she is on some glorious trip, and just gone for a while.
My dearest momma,
Hey there, long time since we last visited, so I just wanted to catch up with you. I have been busy, as usual, with work. If I had my choice, I would come get you, and we would sit on buckets and fish in the pond like we have done so many times. Remember when I dropped my cell phone in the water? LOL...thank goodness you had that dip net.
Your flowers are blooming all over the yard. Irises everywhere, even the ones at the corner of the old chicken yard. And roses! Your rose bushes are coming on like a new rooster in a hen house. Haven't checked the ones that came from Mrs. Lonia May's, but I bet they'll bloom soon. Daddy burned up most all of his tomatoes...he did a "Neal" and got overzealous with the fertilizer...heehee. But the ones in the the raised "tire" beds are looking good. I think he has staked them already. Maybe a few pepper plants will survive the lethal dose of triple 13.
Mom, I'm so tired, and there's no end in sight. How did you manage to keep a household intact, care for your husband, and raise 4 kids? I am in awe of you...at my age, you were a mom 4 times over with a 3 year old in the mix! If you know of any elixer or remedy besides Geritol that will help, please let me know.
Momma, I miss you. I feel like you have been gone forever, even though it has been just a short while. I sure do miss your phone calls and visits on the three wheeler. I miss our early morning coffee and breakfasts on Saturdays...I miss your homemade biscuits. I still eat my biscuits with coffee in a cup, just like you did...there's no taste that reminds me of you more. I miss your hugs and kisses...I miss the way you smell. I miss how you could make all my bad thoughts go away with just one kind word and a smile. I want you to know how much I needed you in my life, and still do. I want you to know how much living without you has made me appreciate you, and just how much your unwavering devotion has come to mean to me. I just needed to say these things to you, because you deserve to hear them, and I need to say them.
Momma, I love you. I will continue to miss you every day, sometimes every moment. I want to thank you for giving me a chance to become a person of faith, for it is my faith that enables me to go on without you. I have the assurance that we will ,indeed, meet again one day, and I am thankful. I wish you were here so we could talk face to face...there are so many things I want to tell you, to ask you about. But I will have to wait.
Thank you, mother, for being a bastion of consistent love...for showing me that nothing could ever separate me from you. Thank you for having faith in me when no one else did. Thank you for everything. As I continue to live each day without you, I will endeavor to be the daughter you deserve.
I love you,
Pollyanna
p.s. are there biscuits in heaven? just wondering...
posted by Reality Chick at 10:09 AM
8 Comments:
I still have my mother, but I honestly don't think you ever stop missing them. There's too many reminders daily--a glimpse in the mirror, mannerisms, warm feelings that suddenly blow by, their smell. The letter was beautiful and your feelings are understandable. Your mother was a very lucky woman to be so loved--and the part about truly appreciating her after you were grown--well, Polly, that's just the way of life--she understood...Biscuits in heaven? I sure hope so...My Mama Wheeler made a mean homemade biscuit, and I'm looking forward to a batch one fine day.
*tear* that was a beautiful letter!
I think everyone doesn't appreciated their parents until their twenties...it is part of being a know it all teen!
Your mother hears every word you speak to her, Polly. I bet she is smiling down right now at the courageous, beautiful and talented women that she raised. Don't forget that she IS with you always. I love you so much
You are so lovely. Mothers are wonderful. I am now a mother and realise the importance of my role and a mother's love (like no other). It is so sad that you are sad. See if this helps.....www.emofree.com Do search for "grief". This type of "therapy" takes the edge off emotions. You never know....all the best
Thank you anonymous...it's so kind of you to try and help. We all have to deal with our emotions differently, and I'm always open to new ideas. I know your little one is blessed with a wonderful mom! :)
Polly, I can't even believe what I just read. What you said about wanting to be by yourself and not wanting to see anyone that made you think of Aunt Syl...that's what happened to me Easter weekend.
I was so excited to come home and when I got there...it was like I saw "ghosts" everywhere. I couldn't deal with it.
I just broke...the whole damn weekend. I think about our family and what we all had growing up...I've never met anyone yet with a family like ours.Those memories of childhood in Cooter and Milo are some of my most precious possessions.
I get soo mad (for too many reasons) when I think about Aunt Syl not being here and I miss her so bad that I dream about her all of the time and I'm thankful for those dreams because I'm afraid I will forget the way she moved or talked or grinned.
Then, there's Mitchell, Pa, Ma, Pap-paw....Too much change...and as long as I'm not there...I don't have to face it. I don't know, it sounds so selfish. Part of me is so sad sometimes I just bawl all day...and then I get to thinkin' I'm some kind of weirdo...but honestly, there are days when I try to fool myself into thinkin' they're not really gone. I don't think you ever get over or past or whatever the word is with anyone's death that is close to you...I'm with you Polly...It still hurts.
It's amazing how grief and loss affects each one of us...and it's amazing how resilient human beings really are to not despair in the face of such things. To all my blog friends, thanks for your kind words...and to my family, well, what can I say? Your ability to share your feelings with me only edifies more my beliefs in our special kinship. Mel, Bob...you both mentioned the very things that will give us the strength to live each to the fullest, OUR MEMORIES. I thank God for every one, and in the days to come, I will try to recall those positive affirmations, instead of dwelling on the negative. Thank you...I love you all.
Wow! I am so blessed to be a part of this special family. I wish we could get together more, I miss everyone so much. I wasn't around for all of the stories y'all tell, but I love to hear each one. I love y'all, see you all Thanksgiving. Only 6 more months... Chris
Post a Comment
<< Home